6.6.13

Crushing Yourself

Have you ever had thoughts and feeling swirling in your mind that you wanted to get out?

However when you begin to speak the toilet that is your mind decides to release everything you didn't wanna talk about. Hey how are you doing , turns into an awkward…hi Then you two sit there watching this hi dance before you with its awkward vibe. You planned the entire conversation out the night before,’alright during 5th period at the end of class in the hallway, ill say to them ‘hey are you free this Saturday?’ but what comes out is “uh, im like doing nothing over the weekend so...if you’re not busy we should like, uhm do something?” meanwhile in the mirror you sounded smoother than the the moonwalk across a wooden dining room floor, and a greaser’s hair do. And every single time you try to talk to them you just can’t be yourself, whoever you are inside turns into the same child who use to giggle at everything including small pickaboos and the same child who never realized that getting hurt wasn’t cool it was just painful, or the same child who liked a girl so much he didnt know how to react so the best thing he can do is tell her she’s ugly.      

So if you’re going through all this trouble to say the words that the mirror said then why don’t you just try to get them off your chest instead?

Often when I propose this idea, the ring of possibility is never enough

Yet im here to tell you that your mere discretion, its you that they depend upon

When your palms begin to sweat and your heart starts racing the thoughts in your mind about whether they like you, and when’s the right time. Just know that the words that you reminisce upon each time you see their face, you want to tell them and that’s why you’re acting this way.

So why cant you do what you’ve been wanting to.

The ability to go up to them and say “I want us to have something.”

Something, anything more than what it is, but you can’t because of self-hate, self-doubt, self-worth, fear of humiliation, and lack of self-esteem.

Before you even step up to the plate to you get beat down with the base of what everyone has said you are. The words are repeated in your head like the answers to the test but it’s never the answer. The fear inside of you is unreasonable for you are only what you make yourself to be. So if the reasons you don’t want to tell someone that you like them is because you become melted jelly every time you see them, and the only way you know how to communicate is to compensate for what everyone said you are not. Because you are not a walking piece of art, ready to be sold to society’s laws of aching, itching, screaming, throbbing  pain of transforming into the ideal hotty, because when you woke up this morning you were overweight, small eyed, Pale, thin haired, bad slouch, bad breathed, sloppy, dumb, and poor at least that’s what society said, the same people who enslave by it's rules themselves.

the belief that you are not enough for them, is a societal thing, believing is feeding and society is our serial killer of hopes, dreams, and most of all love.

ignore the whispers from under the earth that tell stories of prettier people for they merely can't see beauty
and if the gravitational pull has broken the knees of who you like, that when the chorus of your heart pumping, sweat dripping, stuttering, stammering, stumped laughter song that makes you dance with lovability in mind.
that they themselves begin to whisper the belies of a societal thing, know that what they say are words from under the earth, and what they say is untrue, and they will not be selected so sing the chorus of of your heart to the person who could possible be the infinity to your heart,

 the caffeine to wake up that child in you, and the shouting from above the skies that keeps your paper dreams in flight

 go tell them that you like them because doubting that they will like you is a societal thing.