First Day's Change

I walked in there fumbling all over the place prepared for battle. I didn’t care who had something to say I would like to have think that I was more than prepared for the worse they had to say on this lonesome day. No matter how many people surrounded me it would still be lonesome I knew. I came in grabbed my schedule and headed to the second floor standing tall, confident, and happy however I knew how I really looked to those people; coffee stained teeth, greasy hair, shiny forehead, and crusty knee caps from what little  I was showing. I passed the lockers to see the various names on small yellow post-it notes, mine appearing to have last named first Kareen, Molly. I turned right only to notice that this was my stop room 254. I walked in the classroom books held tightly to my chest almost feeling as if they were my protection now from the glares of my past encounters. She told me my name was listed on one of the back desks. I stood up straight in my seat like I had been practicing all summer for this day. I wondered why the room felt so different…no, not the room why did I feel different.  It wasn’t as if this was even a new place for me I had been going there since seventh grade but now it felt as if the rules of life and my sudden thoughts on it had changed. My smile was brighter, my laugh was genuinely jubilant, and the hatred in my heart had dug so deep down inside I couldn’t tell where I buried it in the first place.

Dont make me smile now....or ill talk to you

I guess you could say that they had a reason to be wary of me. I mean it’s not every day that you see someone smile for no reason up and down the halls, who doesn’t have a boyfriend, isn’t in love, doesn’t have an evil scheme, and has never won anything in her life time. It must’ve seemed suspicious however it was just me. a very smiley person. Some people may say I’m lunatic like, or bipolar just because the strange outburst of excitement and love or the sporadic  anger that rises from within choking me until I say the worst things to that person that have been on my mind all along. And just so you know I always have ammo. If they ever make a machine or someone who can read people’s minds then you would see that things I do are completely logical to me and the rest of the world. Almost like the time I went to Gabe’s and told the cashier that it was completely inappropriate that they were selling lingerie in the back to school department. Does that make sense? We don’t want our children to be whores. Girls these days are just throwing themselves around with anyone and everyone. Well if you would have gotten them some good old granny panties instead of see through draws maybe then there would be less HIV, herpes, aids, and sixteen and pregnant tv shows. The cashier understood my reasoning behind it all and surely I did not get those see through panties. Maybe I shouldn’t be discussing things like this at my age as if I were an old folk seeing what was wrong with the world but our generation is failing. We’ve become so numb to everything going on around us that now we take EVERYTHING as a joke. For my sake they were joking around about children in Africa having their villages burned down and the young men had to kill their families at gun point some even at the youngest of 8 or 9 years old. Its gruesome. Why do I care though? That’s what people ask me all the time and it makes me so angry because all I can think about is that could be you tomorrow. There is going to come a time where the world will be dark, viscous, and almost unrecognizable as a place we call home. Will they be laughing then when they have to shoot their mothers and fathers to save themselves? Wow, I’m sorry I just get so emotional when it comes to that sort of thing. I hate the people who say things like ‘nobody cares if you’re adopted stop complaining’ or ‘who cares if they’re hungry what about me’. it makes me want to, hurt others. People are just so cruel nowadays then we have teens killing themselves! I’m just like in shock of how many people taking their own lives based upon others, It’s so sad what we’ve come to. But I really do hope someday I can help but not like lets raise money for the kids in Africa but let’s make the world genuinely happy. oh you don’t even know. Seeing a smile to me is like the biggest gift in the world. Seeing people happy makes me happy that’s it. Not money, not guys, just true happiness, the kind of happiness that comes from the heart and not the mind. This is the kind of happiness that glows from within, seeping out of your skin pouring onto others like me. A true smile, there is nothing like it.