I'm a handful Bud

Tears came flowing down my face reaching at the same peek of my chin each time dropping off onto my tiny hands that my mom loves so much. each tear replenishing my cracked skin ,a desert that had finally seen rain. i grabbed my face as to cover the hideousness that was the sorrow and pain leaking though my facial expression. rocking back and forth as they asked me politely to calm down but i couldn't. the air was muted in place, i suddenly was on TV and they had turned my sound all the way down. all i could hear was the obnoxious noise that was unable to diminish from my mouth even though i was still surprisingly in control of my mind and body. it didn't feel like it at  the moment though. i began rocking back and forth once again as i heard glimpses of what they were asking me as the things on my mind spilled out of my skull onto the clean lunchroom table pouring onto poor Julie hands. My problems now stained into their very ears earwax they would never get out. when the sobs began to subside all i could
say was, "aunt, Kimmy, died,of beast cancer yesterday...i don't even know why I'm crying!" Then breaking out into more cries of support however all that came out was bits of words and bits of letters that were suppose to be words but was only gibberish. they cried for
me to help them understand so they could help yet i didn't understand what i needed help with. i guess crying in the middle of a school lunchroom gripping your face and hair included as a help needed sign. in need of someone in particular i ran out of the
lunchroom in a hurry telling them i would be fine on my way out. they didn't know where i had gone. i wasn't hiding though or at least that's not what i intended leaving for. walking down the hallway i wiped my tears away with the back of my hand as any five year old would do who cant stop crying because mommy forgot to leave the bathroom light on before bed so the monsters wouldn't get her. people stopped me and i waved them off persistent to get to my destination right down the hallway beyond the first set of doors. once i reached that glass door another sob came out before i looked to the left only to realize he was there; the person i was looking for. he watched me all the while i plopped down next to him on the wooden bench, ignorant to my bad posture.
i turned my face towards him and said, "don't be intimidated by the tears, my aunt died yesterday of breast cancer and i don't know why but, its hurting today." he nodded at me. he was a quiet soul and i knew that ,though that did not stop me from confiding in him for every unresolved conflict outside and inside. "but the real reason I'm here is because i have a question."
"okay" he replied flatly.
"do you love me like seriously?"
"yes" he said quietly.
"I'm serious because if you don't then i give you full permission to leave me right now. i wont blow-up or get angry. Just go."
"no"
"why not?"
"i don't know. because i don't want to."
"i am a handful bud." My friend Julie and Wanda rounded the corner at that moment asking me 15 questions in 3 seconds, "where have you been? do you need to talk to someone  you can talk to Mrs. Donner? why do you want to stay here, just come with us Lou!" my only reply with dried eyes was "I'm fine I'm with buddy. ill be fine." after they gave me cold stares and left i proceeded with my conversation looking deep into his milk chocolate brown eyes that only some would ever know how sweet his stare could be.
"like I've only met the lady once or twice growing up and i cant believe just a month ago she stopped by my house to tell me how good her therapy was going and how healthy she was now. My cousin must be a wreck.oh wow." i giggled at that moment pretending he didn't hear me trying to refrain from another giant sob that was in my throat, it felt as if the actual letters were stuck in my throat, a giant lump of three letters, sob.
"that's sad." he replied with a little more sympathy than the last. he put his arm around me as i leaned into his shoulder rubbing my face into his jacket that smelled of only him for physical comfort as his soft voice rendered emotional comfort with the little that was asked or said.
"Other than them i got nothing Bud."
"i didn't know that Lou. Well you got me Lou. "
"why are you here anyways?"
"I'm waiting for a ride suppose to be going home sick."
"oh."
"uhh there goes my mom in the office now."

just a thought at 10:48 on a sunday

Is it a bad thing that ive become so numb to the words that once tied knots around me and made me trip, falling and breaking maybe even aching and fearing once before? the same words that once choked me and i guess now have killed all tingly feeling emotions left in me, some may say i might as well be dead. im not without happiness just without..love. its not the fact that i am not loved, i am. its just i cant love people anymore. Well i think i am loved for a certain amount of time. i believe theres a clock ticking for me and its not to find the one but merely the time i have left until he stops loving me. i believe that every person no matter what connection has a time limit before they need something new and stop  loving you and me. its a sad concept i know and i am hopefully that someone some day for me has an endless clock.