The only way to explain to you...

imagine in your mind a boy short, sweet and kind
who loved you no matter what
that when the world turned against you, and the bullies pointed fingers to hush, he held your hand and smiled
imagine this boy is not perfect
he is quiet from the depths of his soul, swallowing the waves of emotions that are hidden within him so he won't drown, that the only words you will hear reach his lips are the faint sounds of hellos' to the close friends who call him quiet who ignore the gasping noises from below. 
Fathom that this boy dates a girl who wishes upon stars to stop pouring out everything she ingests as wrong. that her words are her powers, and her voices scream upon each minute to release the choices of a soul too soft for our letters.
let the pictures compose in your mind the symphony of the words transpired between them, like the silence of the trees after a storm meeting the sunshine casted between cloudless windows. 

Now,

 imagine this boy had other plans, and all his strings had broke, that with new notes, there soon came a day where symphonies couldn't even be wrote. 
a muted noise so loud, the deaf could feel it's sounds of a pain no one should know. 
the nature of love itself, forever would be changed for them both.
so imagine a girl so free in the world with all her thoughts and opinions, caged in a silent room to remind her of him all day, 
still hearing muffled screams, born to die because of a broken fate
create the moments and songs again that she forgot when she cried, play the notes again that left when silence died. 

A reality?

i told my kid at work, that if you read, you get good grades, good grades means good education and a good education means you can do anything
the statement wasn't entirely true
i knew this, but could only have hope it would be enough
i knew that sometime in life he was going to realize
that anything narrowed down to who he was, what he thought he liked, what his parents wanted him to do, and what paid enough
i couldn't tell him that no one would ever believe he would make it
the words had been shoved down my mouth of a mail slot of a bitter world, licked and sealed.with realization and infections of sorrow , that would be sent at a later date
that whenever he found his true love he may have to give up the very dreams he has, now every night will be filled with endless coffee cups, sipping on the very dreams to help him through every headache, or heartbreak, staying up crushing the very Zs' that represent the lack of zeros in his paycheck
It breaks my heart to try to even begin to explain growing up,

Paper Towns by your Paper Girl

she said, "i hate Florida, it's such a paper town and i hated being that paper girl"

i understood that quote.

That our world is made up of paper.

the places we go stiff, boring, sheets upon sheets written of what it is.

dictionary definition plain like the white background that we ever so contemplate the day of what it is and what it means, 

the sharp edges cut us of what we think it should be and the world around us forming into a beautiful piece of machinery, 

origami no matter how beautiful is just another piece of paper who gives paper cuts. 

your self sustaining paper girl, ripped off from the tree of life, recycles the ideas of what the world has in mind, 

hopefully creating a new form of art,

 transforming into the beauty that any paper can be, 

society our partner artist throughout time. 

no matter what was drawn on the sheets that make up you and me, 

we are still paper.

when it rains, we will crumble, and fold, sticking to the ground unable to float to new worlds, 

and become new things. 

the art that once was,will disappear under the heavy droplets, and screaming skies that flash before us what we should be. 

as soon as pressure pulls from both sides we will tear into pieces for use by the people we love most.

it's your decision to dry off and be a puppet, or dry off and be the art you wish to see.

A Quote...

sometimes we need Space even if it's in our Hearts knowing that there's something missing Gives us need, gives us the Ability to have Hope -MowMow

How Hilarious

it's funny how things worked out, that i knew why they didn't and you didn't
so now i sit here in my bed wondering trying to laugh it all off like you're a bad old memory, dead
see when i think about you...all i could think about was poetry, something beautiful smooth flowing forming out of my lips, you know the ones you've never kissed?  however i give a comic relief to my smoldering sorrow, and glazed eyes of sweetness, pretending like you were just another corner store little debbi's doughnut, not a krispey creme that i ever so neatly never eat but cherished it's fattening beauty. Like you don't remember my soaked laptop from each of your sopping, soaked letters that formed mounds of clean up, and repair. As if after each waterfall i didn't kiss you on your forehead sending you off to bed like your very own real life teddy bear. so yes i like to play pretend, and you did too obviously. Let's pretend that every night, i didn't stay up too late, that my eyes didn't burn, that my back didn't ache,that my posture didnt grow weary, and my bedroom wasn't scary, as if i wasn't terrified of losing you.

Dying in the name of Love

I felt each piece of gravel scrape the side of my brain as i went down

when i was done i knew i would lose something 

and that day sadly my brain didn't roll away as i watched the blood drip down the sidewalk a dark red that lavishes upon the bland cream of concrete

it was as if i was watching a video upon a giant movie screen that i had gotten lost in and so into, that maybe in reality i wasn't lying on the ground feeling each sound wave come out my mouth of a hysterical laughter but instead in a movie theatre giggling at the horrifying scene shoving popcorn in my face, while butter drips from my mouth instead of a luscious red that i wish to not be wearing 

my hair was sticky as i cracked my skull on the edge of love 

and sadly i cherished the cold feeling of the migraine rushing through my brain pulsing even, every time i remembered where i was

pulled down by the people who love to be tied down, his boy scout knots got me, a rope burn i thought i'd enjoy turned out to be pure torture that sent me into a rage of laughter, 

i close my eyes as my mouth refuses to close from the uncontrollable deafening screams and giggles, my heart begins to, race the time in between each hurl of air, only realizing im running out of oxygen my gasps turn into jumping hiccups of excitement and fear;the worst kind.

only to realize that i was alone in this burst, my laughter began to subside 

and i recognized that i survived falling in love 

 

Other fish in the sea they're just not like me

there comes a day when you stop writing about the the people you love and start moving them in ways they will never see, like earthquakes that will soon separate big ideas of relationships, and create giant mounds of love and care while it rains memories,and shines upon you truth

that even when the only thing that keeps them sane are the carved curves in their forgotten faces from playing tea parties with bunnies full of cotton hearts, and little dolls with googly eyes who reflect hatred beyond their mom washed dresses, and tight pony tails, 

knowing that you will be there for every tea party for when they begin to tear no matter how unbearable it is watching them dragged across the floor by 3 year olds who don't know their value

Even if the beloved has set a match to your flying that the game they play you're always cheated since your biggest disability is feeling for the enemy; fresh bread, herbal tea,warm putty, juicy jollyranchers, melted jelly, but always appearing as cold hard metal with a surprise of a blissful colorful taste soothing to the soul on the inside and medicine to the mind. 

Don't dive into the pits where many have swam from their lives before. 

surface to the realization that though many fish are in the see, they need that someone like you and me. 

Crushing Yourself

Have you ever had thoughts and feeling swirling in your mind that you wanted to get out?

However when you begin to speak the toilet that is your mind decides to release everything you didn't wanna talk about. Hey how are you doing , turns into an awkward…hi Then you two sit there watching this hi dance before you with its awkward vibe. You planned the entire conversation out the night before,’alright during 5^th period at the end of class in the hallway, ill say to them ‘hey are you free this Saturday?’ but what comes out is “uh, im like doing nothing over the weekend so...if you’re not busy we should like, uhm do something?” meanwhile in the mirror you sounded smoother than the the moonwalk across a wooden dining room floor, and a greaser’s hair do. And every single time you try to talk to them you just can’t be yourself, whoever you are inside turns into the same child who use to giggle at everything including small pickaboos and the same child who never realized that getting hurt wasn’t cool it was just painful, or the same child who liked a girl so much he didnt know how to react so the best thing he can do is tell her she’s ugly.      

So if you’re going through all this trouble to say the words that the mirror said then why don’t you just try to get them off your chest instead?

Often when I propose this idea, the ring of possibility is never enough

Yet im here to tell you that your mere discretion, its you that they depend upon

When your palms begin to sweat and your heart starts racing the thoughts in your mind about whether they like you, and when’s the right time. Just know that the words that you reminisce upon each time you see their face, you want to tell them and that’s why you’re acting this way.

So why cant you do what you’ve been wanting to.

The ability to go up to them and say “I want us to have something.”

Something, anything more than what it is, but you can’t because of self-hate, self-doubt, self-worth, fear of humiliation, and lack of self-esteem.

Before you even step up to the plate to you get beat down with the base of what everyone has said you are. The words are repeated in your head like the answers to the test but it’s never the answer. The fear inside of you is unreasonable for you are only what you make yourself to be. So if the reasons you don’t want to tell someone that you like them is because you become melted jelly every time you see them, and the only way you know how to communicate is to compensate for what everyone said you are not. Because you are not a walking piece of art, ready to be sold to society’s laws of aching, itching, screaming, throbbing  pain of transforming into the ideal hotty, because when you woke up this morning you were overweight, small eyed, Pale, thin haired, bad slouch, bad breathed, sloppy, dumb, and poor at least that’s what society said, the same people who enslave by it's rules themselves.

the belief that you are not enough for them, is a societal thing, believing is feeding and society is our serial killer of hopes, dreams, and most of all love.

ignore the whispers from under the earth that tell stories of prettier people for they merely can't see beauty
and if the gravitational pull has broken the knees of who you like, that when the chorus of your heart pumping, sweat dripping, stuttering, stammering, stumped laughter song that makes you dance with lovability in mind.
that they themselves begin to whisper the belies of a societal thing, know that what they say are words from under the earth, and what they say is untrue, and they will not be selected so sing the chorus of of your heart to the person who could possible be the infinity to your heart,

 the caffeine to wake up that child in you, and the shouting from above the skies that keeps your paper dreams in flight

 go tell them that you like them because doubting that they will like you is a societal thing.

Admit it, We don't change.

One day I’m going to wake up knowing who I am

One day I’m going to ride down the streets, smiling just because I can

One day I’m going to be able to look you in the face because I don’t care what you see inside of me

One day I’m going to pull my shoulders back when entering the classroom not afraid of what you see

One day I’m going to not have to capture the flaws that escape me in public because I’m proud of who I am

One day I going to ring out the very emotions that are on my sleeve, without caring if you’re too wet

One day I’m going to find someone who will feel warm rainbow jimmies in their tummy every single time they see me

One day I’m going to let the ones who have hurt me brisk by like a cold breeze on my warm leather jacket of security

One day I’m going to hear each sob that escaped my mouth become each laugh that I’ve hidden from their stupidity

One day I’m going to be independent beyond recognition, not even needing oxygen from imagination, food from the dreams, and quenched by the thirst for escaping

One day I’m going to jump off the greener side of life into the abyss where so many have broken limbs, and show them that the only difference is that they have green dye up there

One day….just one day

But…….as I was saying one day

And it’s to day

It’s….. today

So…what shall we do today?

Prepare?

Today we’re going to let words be who we are

Today we’re going to realize that life is our fake best friend

Today we slouch in bed, wondering if our pillows even support us

Today we let our imperfections be the hands that mold our self-hatred and

Today we don’t change

thank you....http://spellinghearts.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/daydreaming/

One Day......Someday, and Today. There's no tomorrow.

One day im going to wake up knowing who I am

One day im going to ride down the streets, smiling just because I can

One day im going to be able to look you in the face because I don’t care what you see inside of me

One day im going to pull my shoulders back when entering the classroom not afraid of what you see

One day im going to not have to capture the flaws that escape me in public because im proud of who I am

One day I going to ring out the very emotions that are on my sleeves, without caring if you’re too wet

One day im going to find someone who will feel warm rainbow jimmies in their tummy, confetti in their hair, and an ache in their smile every single time they see me

One day im going to let the ones who have hurt me brisk by like a cold breeze on my warm leather jacket of security

One day I’m going to hear each sob that escaped my mouth become each laugh that I’ve hidden from their stupidity

One day I’m going to be independent beyond recognition, not even needing oxygen from imagination, and quenched by the thirst for escaping

One day I’m going to jump off the greener side of life into the abyss where so many have broken limbs, and show them that the only difference is that they have green dye up there 

One day….just one day im going to be you

You're supposed to marry the best friend, right?

i wanna fall in love like the movies, drifting away in the words that have held no one but me in my sleep and are what keep me from a grueling reality, that not only are those movies already done without me but there isnt a director to lead me to the perfect actor to play my loved one.
i think you have been casted this time and im the main character
that love so cliche is right around the corner and you know you love it.
you know you want it
we are edgy, funny, not original yet right
the moment between lost and found
we are first glance love, finding each other at airports before we go our seperate ways, touching hands after bumping into eachother, best friend's hook up gone right, deep connection at record store, bad encounter seen later, we are best friends who dwell in eachother every day and never realized till the last minute, too late
so why don't you love me?
i remember the times that you have picked up my spine, and been the ligaments when all else has failed, that 4am isn't too late it's always just in time because thats when we need each other most
when the crickets have left us, the moon is thinking of escaping, and the quiet on the town reassures me that we're not safe but okay.
in the movies they always choose the best friend at the end and i hope im at the end of this flick
that this one doesnt end in the tears from what they were hoping for, what she wanted, what he couldnt have, what he should've had, and with me wondering if im watching the movie or if i'm in the movie.is the movie about me or .....or am i just watching pictures and creating a thousand words that arent there?
Don't mind me though, im just rambling and you're going to put me back on the shelf when you think you have found your best friend not knowing that my words are the very conversations we shared, the conversations we hid, the things you yourself said,and the very conversations that mean nothing between best friends.

I am a Pastel not a Pencil

If you’re only here for me to solve your problems

Then we aren’t friends

You are not poor sally in math who doesn’t have enough apples

Yes I understand shapes and sizes

That not everyone is the same, and in order to be complete the numbers must add up to 360

But please I’m still in school

You are not an elective math course

I am not you’re happy student

Who trips through puzzles even occasionally copying the occasional answers from friends

To you I’m not even a person

I’m a pencil

And I only wanting to fit into the pencil box will do anything I can to get back in

Whether it be shaving off my dignity

Erasing my mistakes

Sharpening my attitude

Rewriting a your grades

At the end I still will fit in but not belong

For there’s too many in your box

I’m only a tool to write down your answers

You discretions

Your problems

For it all equals up

That no one can solve them except you

No matter how much I want to be a part of you

Hopefully I’ll be drawn to a place where I can feel free

A pastel that wisps away with every stroke,

Vibrant, individual, lasting on your fingertips, the very colors you wish to see

Not lead by your pencil box

Because I got individuality

 

Reality and Possibility

I want to jump over the moon in my pogo shoes

Landing on the clouds in the sky

While the hand for my friends and the hands of my family reach to those left behind

Knowing what's gone my pogo shoes take me further to the high

Where they stay down and I go up

An escaping star for life

The world watches me soar

Wishing on me

Telling me what I’m supposed to be

Trying to find out where I’m going

A safe place inside of space where reality isn’t knowing

Where we aren’t fallen stars but flying balls of light

Where society holds no guns

And time is on our side

So while I’m running home to my safe place in space, where you laws cannot change me, fear does not detain me, and gravity does not Change me

Come grab some pogo shoes and flying feet

If anything is possibly

Come join me.

PART #2:

 

Wouldn’t this be a foolish thing?

Running away with a stranger, who's brighter than the sun?

Unpredictable to what she changes

So independent and young

Running through space aimless

Leaving what she loves behind, you're next I know

While running to new heights

When you begin to miss us back home

Your tears will seep through the sky

I’ll catch them and use them to wipe all that matter

Everything that is real

Yes the world is dark the light switch has been removed

It’s hard with Achluophobia to be even slightly soothed

So let me be your therapist

Your monster who scares your terrorists

Don’t fall into the earth’s core of anger and hate

Or even try to runaway

Realize what’s going on and try to change fate

Before we all become burning stars,

No future

Not tomorrow

No today
 

 

 

 

What am i suppose to tell you.

Honestly
i don't know this amazing message I'm supposed to be giving you
as i stand up here right now i realize that
i spent all m hours and minutes on may 5th to find myself coming to a new realization with each new video i watched about spoken word
i said, "i want to do that"
and that's as far as i got
i wanted to pull words out of nowhere that were ever so...beautiful  i guess
i wanted to be so sure in my words and finally give you the colors that are within my heart like a teacher to a kindergartner
i wanted to show you in invisible waves how the world is so round yet edgy
and i wanted to explain to you the time i got my heart crushed by not my boyfriend
and how i have to refrain someday from soaking up everyone's tears as i found out some of it is just water
or how every weekend i spend talking to 3 guys about their relationship problems and how to solve them even though in school i don't exist to them
i wanted to prove to you that society still has a heart
to show that we are all not the same
that fighting isn't entertainment anymore
that we've grown and are now dying too in other areas of our great farm land of america
let's just say id like to to think of myself as a Fertilizer
yeah i stink, i stink at a lot of things and i come out of uncleanly places however i help the world grow too
i wanted to get up here and say. "this is who is going to inspire the change you wish to be in the world"
i wanted you to say "wow" after i spoke
i wanted you to be discouraged after i got up and told my story about the stuff you usually wouldn't tell people like, "i sleep with the a teddy bear because i'm afraid ill never get married and at least something cute and cuddly will love me in the morning" stuff like that
i was going to turn your world upside down, and stop it from spinning
so you can quit being dizzy about what's right and what's wrong
where gray areas soon become images of clear paths
i wanted to stop the rain
so we would never have to grow again
as we have reached our full potential
i am going to try to show you just that
and be that
just promise me, you will listen and be here when the time comes to give you my lesson?

Scaring Old Folks Every Day

she said how does it make you feel that there are some adults who are literally afraid of your generation?
 we are something new, and i guess for you old folks ,
new can be scary.
on the other hand you should be afraid
the world may look at us all wrong. saying we're just nothings to be. please dont say that as you look down on us even though you are below our feet.
scrunching your face, you say we could never be growth because of our tight jeans, pressing technologies. and new found foes from the unknown.
so scared of us you are, recyclying your fears turning them into the norm.
we've shaped your flat world
to living on the edge of an ever forming shape
you can't judge us
because we arent anything
but change

Lemon Peels

So many people have run out of my life

And they keep telling me he is doing this for a reason

All I can think is…’for what reason?’ I want to know

I want to know why he didn’t make me stop loving people after they tortured me

Why he didn’t take away my feelings, instead of letting them just go numb

Occasionally giving me a quick serge of false feeling nerves

They tell me he loves me and I should rely on him to do all

But this is the same man

Who lets big eyed, loving, hopeless and hopeful, chubby cheeked, little ones

Die every day

The same man who I have to suffer to prove that I love him

They said when life gives you lemons make lemonade

Lemons with no sweet, sour inside just an awful outside peel for me

Curved out into a smile one that says be happy with its sunshine like quality of brightness

Those were the lemon peels that god gave me

Nasty Lemonade but it’s my usual, its mine

My lemonade….Would you like a taste?

 

oh here's a fennec fox who i love to look at

i want to start adding other stuff about myself to this blog such as....i guess my interests........and just daily life experiences, i still will be doing my creative stories, and poems but i want to see how this goes.

I just dont do it like she does.

I wanted to touch people too
I wanted to slide into the grooves of that smile and dig out the gook in the wedges of your teeth
Make you swallow the bitter tastings of what you have already digested as the worst things in life
Remind you of what’s missing, get those taste buds to retell you of the grueling, molding, mushy things that use to keep you moving and now are what poison you behind that smile.
I wanted to tell you how you felt
Whenever that moment swept over you and you and your emotions got taken away with the dust bunnies and brushed away to the recycling bin

I wanted to make you feel that
to be the one who grabbed your attention kissing your face so hard, with that rushing feeling in the hands of my words, and you will still bite your lips tasting the saliva of each letter as it soothes you and imprints on your mind
I was going to sway your body in in that rocking motion of boats that set sail to new ideas, my sound waves to rock you into your destination in life. that maybe the reason a land of milk & honey only stuck with you because of the words i could not swallow anymore, the words that i thought up day and night, the words that i bathed in from time to time....

i wanted to do what she does.   

Too Vulnerable.

why did i feel so vulnerable all of the sudden?

i was sitting there in the midst of my room feeling as if i was surrounded by assassin's with no form of defense in me, or as if id been embarassed in public and there was no bathroom to escape ,to hide.

i just wanted to be flushed away, so stocked up on all of this ,suddenly reeling in my mind. next time ill remember not to go into my past for inspiration. i sat there remembering how much i was alone inside and the feeling bruised me again in my chest. Looking back there....i wont do that anymore but today i had.

how i spent my friday night...part 1

"And I think you really are beautiful Anna, an amazing person, and I really really do like you. And I hope all of this just works out. So, there are your questions, I finally made the video, bye. "

 It was her twenty-third time watching the video since he made it. However she never watched it from beginning to end until the day he wasn't there. Each time she tried to finish she would laugh so hard she had to turn it off in fear of losing her breath, but today she watched every minute up to the last second. She giggled every time it got to that part however when he smiled at her into the camera to tell her how he finally made the video and good bye, hiding her face in fear someone could see the brightness in her cheeks amongst her Carmel like complexion. She couldn’t tell whether her heart was warm because she was happy, or warm because that was the last time she would feel that warm hug of his in his words and she wanted to hold that feeling forever. She sat there with her laptop in her lap, warming the tops of her thighs letting it burn, while she looked above the screen staring at the cat intensely as it slept on her backpack, lost in thought. The burning of her thighs the only thing that she could feel anymore.  She delves deeper into her thoughts only to remember sweet moments that never happened between them; when he cuddled her to sleep, kissed her when she was crying, and when they went on their first date out for ice cream. Oh how sweet those moments were on the tip of her tongue, and aching on the mind as she tried to avoid the bitter after taste between fantasy and reality.

She shakes as if waking up from a bad dream only to come back to her room and leave the cozy depths of her mind that laid in such a faraway place however the only place she was willing to go to anymore in her laziness and depression. Upon awakening to her bedroom, she stares at the orange triangle at the bottom of her screen leaving her hands in position over the sticky keyboard to type anything that was on her mind even though at the moment she couldn’t think rationally enough to begin a sentence. She let her mouse float her mouse over the button then she right clicking it she felt the button shift beneath her finger and the sobs shift in her throat. She closed her eyes only to remember happier moments but the tears still seeped through. It feltas if the word sob was in her throat. each letter trying to escape s o b. the pain in her chest ached, eventually trying to be strong  became just being honest. Her eyes stung, only thinking to her 'this too shall pass', yet it trotted through so slowly with spiked heavy boots. The piercing a bruises a reminder of how much she screwed up. Eventually slumping over in her depression amongst the piles of clothes she sat on her pedestal of a bed alone, thinking about how much they should be In love right now.