I just dont do it like she does.

I wanted to touch people too
I wanted to slide into the grooves of that smile and dig out the gook in the wedges of your teeth
Make you swallow the bitter tastings of what you have already digested as the worst things in life
Remind you of what’s missing, get those taste buds to retell you of the grueling, molding, mushy things that use to keep you moving and now are what poison you behind that smile.
I wanted to tell you how you felt
Whenever that moment swept over you and you and your emotions got taken away with the dust bunnies and brushed away to the recycling bin

I wanted to make you feel that
to be the one who grabbed your attention kissing your face so hard, with that rushing feeling in the hands of my words, and you will still bite your lips tasting the saliva of each letter as it soothes you and imprints on your mind
I was going to sway your body in in that rocking motion of boats that set sail to new ideas, my sound waves to rock you into your destination in life. that maybe the reason a land of milk & honey only stuck with you because of the words i could not swallow anymore, the words that i thought up day and night, the words that i bathed in from time to time....

i wanted to do what she does.   

Too Vulnerable.

why did i feel so vulnerable all of the sudden?

i was sitting there in the midst of my room feeling as if i was surrounded by assassin's with no form of defense in me, or as if id been embarassed in public and there was no bathroom to escape ,to hide.

i just wanted to be flushed away, so stocked up on all of this ,suddenly reeling in my mind. next time ill remember not to go into my past for inspiration. i sat there remembering how much i was alone inside and the feeling bruised me again in my chest. Looking back there....i wont do that anymore but today i had.

how i spent my friday night...part 1

"And I think you really are beautiful Anna, an amazing person, and I really really do like you. And I hope all of this just works out. So, there are your questions, I finally made the video, bye. "

 It was her twenty-third time watching the video since he made it. However she never watched it from beginning to end until the day he wasn't there. Each time she tried to finish she would laugh so hard she had to turn it off in fear of losing her breath, but today she watched every minute up to the last second. She giggled every time it got to that part however when he smiled at her into the camera to tell her how he finally made the video and good bye, hiding her face in fear someone could see the brightness in her cheeks amongst her Carmel like complexion. She couldn’t tell whether her heart was warm because she was happy, or warm because that was the last time she would feel that warm hug of his in his words and she wanted to hold that feeling forever. She sat there with her laptop in her lap, warming the tops of her thighs letting it burn, while she looked above the screen staring at the cat intensely as it slept on her backpack, lost in thought. The burning of her thighs the only thing that she could feel anymore.  She delves deeper into her thoughts only to remember sweet moments that never happened between them; when he cuddled her to sleep, kissed her when she was crying, and when they went on their first date out for ice cream. Oh how sweet those moments were on the tip of her tongue, and aching on the mind as she tried to avoid the bitter after taste between fantasy and reality.

She shakes as if waking up from a bad dream only to come back to her room and leave the cozy depths of her mind that laid in such a faraway place however the only place she was willing to go to anymore in her laziness and depression. Upon awakening to her bedroom, she stares at the orange triangle at the bottom of her screen leaving her hands in position over the sticky keyboard to type anything that was on her mind even though at the moment she couldn’t think rationally enough to begin a sentence. She let her mouse float her mouse over the button then she right clicking it she felt the button shift beneath her finger and the sobs shift in her throat. She closed her eyes only to remember happier moments but the tears still seeped through. It feltas if the word sob was in her throat. each letter trying to escape s o b. the pain in her chest ached, eventually trying to be strong  became just being honest. Her eyes stung, only thinking to her 'this too shall pass', yet it trotted through so slowly with spiked heavy boots. The piercing a bruises a reminder of how much she screwed up. Eventually slumping over in her depression amongst the piles of clothes she sat on her pedestal of a bed alone, thinking about how much they should be In love right now.

 

The part I was assigned

I am your main character

I’m the one who goes through heartbreak, loss, and addiction

Struggling with themselves to find themselves,

The one who carries you through your books with all of my strength even though each word is another load on my heart

I am your main character

The same one who finds strengths in friends and can’t do it alone, dragging along people who I think care about me the most

The one who hides their feelings about what’s actually going on just to give you a speech in the end about keep on keepin' on

However I’ll never be your favorite

I’ll never be the one who you adore

Since there’s always "that" main character

The one who goes through hardships but has to make it till the end while others are expendable

While death is all around them, they manage to move on

No matter how many times I find a new light, a new ending, a new way for the story to go on

I will never be your favorite

My druggy mother, my stubborn sister, my fierce enemy, my distant boyfriend, my creepy Jewish neighbor, my angry best friend, and my kind psychotic brother are your favorite.

Not

Me

I will find a new me in the end, and you will love what I’ve become but adore the people i’m not.

Why are they your favorite when I’ve gone through all this for you?

When I’ve illustrated this for you?

Ill create another book for you to sit by the fire, the porch, the boring classroom to enjoy

Just remember I’m here to entertain you even though I’ll never be your favorite

But we move on and understand

Because we're your main characters.

Hanging on your every wish

i was here when you needed me, and even when you didnt.
listening and accompanying your every wish
it wasnt as if i was crying inside, i thought you would drown in my heart
so i gave you a show, a quirky old smile,  so id never have to give you cpr
but i let you in eventually and you got your feet wet
rain boots you brought, but you didnt care you said
i let you pick at my nerves, even as we traveled to new heights
we raced through my mind with earth out of sight
jumping through portals leading to new dimensions of mind
giving you the keys to lightyears in time
oxygen not needed, feeded through laughfter
gravity was burned at the stake, but something tugged at me
was it aliens or fate?
so i looked down for awhile only to realize where we are
a dark room with glow in the dark stars
hallucinating i knew this needed to stop
not surprised that you drugged me, i needed to drop
following your orders, as you requested
refusing to come down, my orders rejected
hanging on your every wish, i said tie me a noose,
"hey baby make sure that it wont come loose"
falling back to earth, seeing that we really did go far
hanging on that noose you're little wishing star
ready to see the earth again,
i knew this would leave a scar

a new thing.....

Jenna

Smoothe black skin shining in the sun

Tall amongst the sunflowers

ronald’s words numbing and old

Beloved, flowing with the wind

Whisping all worries away

Puzzled to why they split

Red swelled jenna’s cheeks even just hearing ronald’s name

Pleasantly waiting for better days

ALL in it for you.

I feel a pound in my heart around him
thumping so hard in my chest i wanna forget how i met him,
looking in his eyes, asking i wonder what parent he borrowed those from
my fist balled up in my palm the same palm that held my sanity
squeezed so tighly i managed to tear open my mind and find some emotions that werent supposed to exist like a button the could end my world
rubbing my fingers through his hair, while his head rests on my lap, putting his face to mine i realize i found madness. looking down at my feet i see see the clouds that have formed and the sky that im living in now
so pretty it is up here, looking at shining hopes and dreams, no sunscreen, as the only thing keeping me alive up here is the concealed imagination, my oxygen
yet so unreal this place is and the feelings that ive grasped
i love it up here

six sentences..inspired?

Whenever you want to define hero google dictionary isn’t enough. a hero is someone who can first acquire bravery, always looked to as the man or woman who can do things that most cant however being a hero is doing things that people can do but just won’t. it’s being able to look at this world and say this is wrong and something should be done about it. but it’s not just something it someone.  Now anyone in this room can be a hero, even if someone doesn’t want or know they're being saved. a hero is not someone who can fly but what he can do with his ability to fly, will he save the crashing plane, or decide to play with his new cape?

Brown

Why do I have to be like a puppy?

Sitting there while you’re sad staring you in your face, tongue stretched out dancing while you pace.

My floppy ears don’t make you laugh or even giggle a little when I bark and bow and roll around, doesn’t make you feel tick-led?

But that’s all I could be at the moment when you were down and I was up, when everything was pulling left and right in your mind, I was too busy wasting time as I tried to make you mime. I couldn’t even make you smile I failed again I see, but I was dealing with my own problems mentally. Even as your puppy I still managed to be here even though between my gazing eyes and fluffy hair, I didn’t know how to be there.

A best friend I don’t know,

Your puppy , maybe

Your clown, all the time

A tissue

Here when you need it.

Me always there.

Always there when you need me. that’s what me told them. Every single time they needed something me was there. Not mom, not dad, not best friend, or sister. It was me. and you, you was the  neighbor, you was the the annoying kid, you was the adult with broken dreams, you was the forgotten one,you were hurt and now you is everyone. Me never changed though. But if you was me and me was you. Would you still be the same? Ofcourse not. Who is you to those who are mes’? 

Spongebob Icecream

 

I remember looking down that empty street; it was a summer day everything silent except for the small call of the ice cream truck in the distance as I sat outside the barbershop watching my cousin Maya beg her mom desperately to buy us some ice cream as she heard the joyous jingle coming closer. I turned to my right to look at the barbershop; I could only see advertisements on its large glass windows.  Acting as a block to the inside where my brother was being tended to for his new haircut. Deaf to the commotion around me of the wining 4 year old I stared into the depths of however deep a 7 year old mind goes.

“Can we please have ice cream mommy! Can we please! Mommy you promised we could have ice cream later! MOM he’s coming hurry up!!” she jumped up and down as any common spoiled child would.

“Alright Maya, damn you’ll get your ice cream just leave me alone.” She sighed, grabbing her money out her purse while chewing her gum viscously as she pins each dollar in our hands. At that moment he finally rounded the corner, watching Maya silently while her eyes grew big like a wolf ready to eat another conquered little piggy. When the ice cream man handed me my SpongeBob Popsicle stick I analyzed it before ripping out his bubblegum eyeballs that I loved so much and instantly popped them in my mouth.

“Lou, let’s go!” My cousin [KM1] Misty screamed as my brother soon joined us outside in the heated emptiness of the street. His hair looked like freshly cut grass; nearly bald.  

    [KM2] That evening we went back to the house everything was going great until mom called.  She stated that she would be over the house to pick us up for a long ride home back to Pittsburgh. Upon arriving I was drinking sprite on the balcony soaking in the late night summer breeze. She appeared at the door, my mom ,in the shortness that was mom and her best feature the red hair bright upon her round, soft freckled face. She walked in with a mission you could see by the look in her eye. She called for my sister Jazz who was on the second floor just coming from a long hour of video games with my older brother Sebastian. The two were never really close but when it came down to games and any fun they were there,.

“Jazz, Sebastian, and Lou grab your things lets go.” Then there was a pause.

“Jasmine said she isn’t going anywhere and she had that talk with you earlier.” Said my Michigan groomed Aunt Beth, who was always known for her snide comments.

“Oh yes she is. I told her earlier she can’t stay and I was coming in an hour.”

“Well she said she doesn’t want to go.” She folded her arms across her chest, the wrinkles in her face sagging into her frown probably stained there from years of not smiling. The air in the room tightened as if we were all in a giant zip lock bag, and me the only one gasping for air.

“Lou and Sebastian get you things!” My mom announced loudly so no questions were asked. I ran upstairs only to hear their voices begin to rise as the tension beat down on my heart while I packed my things. They screamed and yelled unforgiveable things but I muted them letting the moment slip by me like a television show in which I couldn’t wait for the commercial. As I jumped in the car outside I watched them grab up my mother forcing her to leave the residence without my sister. Eventually giving up, my mom drives off with me and brother turning around to say , “do you want to go with her?” [KM3] angrily too. We hesitantly gave a silent no only to watch her drive away leaving one of our own left behind.  when only an hour ago we were eating ice cream on that lovely day.

---

 

you're murdering her.

It sounded like the thud of a murder's footsteps thumped in her chest. The sweat on her arm quietly pours. She looks at her clenched fist and is numb to the finger nails digging into her palm only to wonder once again why she was doing this. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back against the cold marble wall. She suddenly sees in the haziness of the dark a boy appear in front of her. he wears a red polo with the words Hollister written in bold across his chest, she noticed on his left shoulder in there’s a doodle permanent marker that says 'Michael loves me' slightly covered by the muscular curve on his forearm and that among his dark complexion the words seem to blend in ever so slightly. She looks up at the boy in front of her hesitantly only to peer into his big eyes that were the color of the newly furnished coffee tables in Barnes nobles. The only thing she can see in front of her are his lips, he reaches for her wrist only to pull her closely. She can smells his breath ever so smooth and minty, she breathes it in savoring it even. Then the moment soon fades away back into the darkness that is behind the eyelid. She opens her eyes only to turn to the left and feel the pain increase in her chest as she held all of her weight upon her shoulders and the mass in her heart.

The world is talking but do i listen?

The world looks at me and says your young look at yourself you can go anywhere, anyplace, anytime, there’s so much ahead of you but when i look ahead all i see are walls.
The world told me that I should expand my dreams into reality, but i don’t have the tools to expand. no my dreams not as elastic as I once was told and the world too big for them to wrap around. Maybe a different material? But this was me, no other material would best wrap up, sum up and be what could be my world if only my dreams were elastic.
The world told me that beauty was in the eye of the beholder and that everyone was beautiful. but the world only has one eye it seems.
The world said I could be anything. i soon learned that meant my education could be anything, and labor for it would be great and that honestly anything had laws, and other qualifications that i just couldn't meet.
the world is in my hands now...and when i look at it i know the world is pretty mean I found out. giving me so many happy quotes, that would lead me to some sort of realization of inspiration they knew were not true and then telling me to get my head out of the clouds but it’s so beautiful up there and the world is so ugly and even the world will tell you that. i look at it and wonder so many things.

You ,don't even know.

He drags me across the floor by my foot yet my head being the only thing touching the carpet. A three year old he is with his toys and I his victim, doll, endearing buddy, and only friend. The lifelessness in his eyes mimicking the plastic dullness of my own. A sown mouth on me into a smile, one I cannot help but yearn for the day I have the muscles to open it. my stitches coming loose from every time he wants to toss me when life is going wrong. Stains still on my face from the minute he stops paying attention dropping me for someone new. The times he’s left me at the park when meeting a new friend, and I tear just thinking where he could have gone. As soon as mommy says no and he’s broken yet another toy plane I have to find an excuse and some screws maybe even a little duct tape. A makeshift tissue I’m always here to save the day.  Even though its hard to catch all of his problems being so small, and when the key to all his answers are bigger than me. those moments when my soft fur let’s his enemies slip right through my palms, and telling him to get a grip is hard when being thumb-less I can’t even get a grip myself. Dragging across the floor I remind myself of the stitches, the pulled fur, the dried tears on the tips of my nose, the lonely play dates, and sorrowful nights.  From the leg he has in his loose grip he turns me upright and he holds me to his chest and smiles rubbing my head so gently. its worth it when his tears  soak into my face, and he smiles just knowing im here. Realizing im always there when planes break and when he’s too sick to go play. That the monster in the dark cant beat me. yes a toy I am to him but the only thing that cant leave and doesn’t want to leave.

You cant say that you hypocrite!!!

"i love you so much baby, i just think you're so beautiful and i don't understand why you don't see it"

 yeah ive heard that line before too many times. i didn't say i couldn't hear it, said i couldn't see, now if you can grab me a pair of lenses that make me skinny lbs less, flowing wavy vibrant hair, outstanding eyes, and the legs of a mannequin well yeah i may consider believing you. the i love you before also only makes me believe that youre only saying that because you love me. what about the people who don't love me? am i ugly to them? take that into consideration and choose your words wisely before you speak. it also amazes me how you of all people could manage to talk to me about my self esteem!! i see the way you slouch and the intrigued, disgusted, and fascinated stare and feelings sprout from your every pore, every strand of hair out of place, every stain on your clothing and tooth that you grit so harshly thinking of them. And you know exactly who 'them' are. the people who are better than you. why are they however? only you know and that's what keeps you swimming whether you've already dived into the deep end or strive to reach the glassed over shoreline tapping below it often.  what is beautiful anyways!? the man who said beauty is in the eye of the beholder never defined who exactly was the beholder ,does one person hold or know what true beauty is and what was this being's idea of it?  And you don't have to understand why i don't get beauty and why i don't see it. maybe its because i have no beholder and you're really blind. 

All i need to say for right now.

I get so tired of being screwed over all the time. Digging in my groves twisted ,i am pinning your pretty pictures of what you think life is made up of, left here hanging with my back still against the wall.

time travelers lover.... -vignette

you go and tell me that you're thinking of the past and all i can think is the present is not enough for you. i wasnt in the past and thats whats bothering me! it bothers me that every single time your world starts crumbling down she comes up and apparently she was the only one who understood you while im standing right here in your face catching every soaking  tear and putting ointment on bad wounds. i cant reprimand you as your girlfriend for looking on the past because i do it all the time. but when i do i realize how much you mean to me and how happy i am that you're here. im not going there to escape some grueling reality trust me baby your my reality. when i broke free of that guy who once hurt me you dont think that i dont look back some days and wonder what ifs and whys'? of course i do baby all the time but when i look at you i cant help but wonder if that happened so i could meet someone soo great for my future and i was hoping or so i thought that you were that someone great. however sarah synthia silvia stout is the trash that you put out and i hope im not a replacement band aid only there to suck up your blood and wounds then be thrown away. i thought what we have is something to be treasured and honestly secretly i love how much we dont argue and fight over litttle things. how we are just able to work it out but i think you want to dump me which is what brought this about. so baby please look on the future and not the past for peace because i want to be apart of that future the present is only a tease for what we can be.

First Day's Change

I walked in there fumbling all over the place prepared for battle. I didn’t care who had something to say I would like to have think that I was more than prepared for the worse they had to say on this lonesome day. No matter how many people surrounded me it would still be lonesome I knew. I came in grabbed my schedule and headed to the second floor standing tall, confident, and happy however I knew how I really looked to those people; coffee stained teeth, greasy hair, shiny forehead, and crusty knee caps from what little  I was showing. I passed the lockers to see the various names on small yellow post-it notes, mine appearing to have last named first Kareen, Molly. I turned right only to notice that this was my stop room 254. I walked in the classroom books held tightly to my chest almost feeling as if they were my protection now from the glares of my past encounters. She told me my name was listed on one of the back desks. I stood up straight in my seat like I had been practicing all summer for this day. I wondered why the room felt so different…no, not the room why did I feel different.  It wasn’t as if this was even a new place for me I had been going there since seventh grade but now it felt as if the rules of life and my sudden thoughts on it had changed. My smile was brighter, my laugh was genuinely jubilant, and the hatred in my heart had dug so deep down inside I couldn’t tell where I buried it in the first place.

Dont make me smile now....or ill talk to you

I guess you could say that they had a reason to be wary of me. I mean it’s not every day that you see someone smile for no reason up and down the halls, who doesn’t have a boyfriend, isn’t in love, doesn’t have an evil scheme, and has never won anything in her life time. It must’ve seemed suspicious however it was just me. a very smiley person. Some people may say I’m lunatic like, or bipolar just because the strange outburst of excitement and love or the sporadic  anger that rises from within choking me until I say the worst things to that person that have been on my mind all along. And just so you know I always have ammo. If they ever make a machine or someone who can read people’s minds then you would see that things I do are completely logical to me and the rest of the world. Almost like the time I went to Gabe’s and told the cashier that it was completely inappropriate that they were selling lingerie in the back to school department. Does that make sense? We don’t want our children to be whores. Girls these days are just throwing themselves around with anyone and everyone. Well if you would have gotten them some good old granny panties instead of see through draws maybe then there would be less HIV, herpes, aids, and sixteen and pregnant tv shows. The cashier understood my reasoning behind it all and surely I did not get those see through panties. Maybe I shouldn’t be discussing things like this at my age as if I were an old folk seeing what was wrong with the world but our generation is failing. We’ve become so numb to everything going on around us that now we take EVERYTHING as a joke. For my sake they were joking around about children in Africa having their villages burned down and the young men had to kill their families at gun point some even at the youngest of 8 or 9 years old. Its gruesome. Why do I care though? That’s what people ask me all the time and it makes me so angry because all I can think about is that could be you tomorrow. There is going to come a time where the world will be dark, viscous, and almost unrecognizable as a place we call home. Will they be laughing then when they have to shoot their mothers and fathers to save themselves? Wow, I’m sorry I just get so emotional when it comes to that sort of thing. I hate the people who say things like ‘nobody cares if you’re adopted stop complaining’ or ‘who cares if they’re hungry what about me’. it makes me want to, hurt others. People are just so cruel nowadays then we have teens killing themselves! I’m just like in shock of how many people taking their own lives based upon others, It’s so sad what we’ve come to. But I really do hope someday I can help but not like lets raise money for the kids in Africa but let’s make the world genuinely happy. oh you don’t even know. Seeing a smile to me is like the biggest gift in the world. Seeing people happy makes me happy that’s it. Not money, not guys, just true happiness, the kind of happiness that comes from the heart and not the mind. This is the kind of happiness that glows from within, seeping out of your skin pouring onto others like me. A true smile, there is nothing like it.

the ache i dont have but know

I’m going to be honest I can’t help who I am.

I can’t help that every single time I see the homeless I feel an ache in my back from the cold hard ground they lay on.

That whenever my mom says ow I say ooh

How when  I see the small girl crying I can feel the sweet tears slide down my face and soak up into my hands.

Or how the anger rises from beneath those who have been mistreated and I feel that same heat rise from stomach to my ears knocking on my brain of frustration.

I can’t help that every time I see two young lovers I feel their lips touching as if they were my own and the gooey exchange of spit I touch the magic on each hair of my body.

I can’t help but feel your pain.